


Hard To Say No

by QueenGay



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 19:31:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2400212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenGay/pseuds/QueenGay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Short chapter I know but I need some time to decide.. some... stuff. </p><p>I hope you like it so far uhm.. Leave a comment if you think something is bad or anything. </p><p>Have an amazing day/night xx</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was shining bright, blinding my eyes. The warm wind smelled of cherry blossom. And I could hear children laughing and playing in the distance.

It was a perfect day for most. 

But in my mind, it was raining. I could not appreciate the sun on my face, the sweet cherry blossom smell or the laughing children in the park.

 _Something was missing. Something important._ _But what?_

There was nothing wrong with my life. At all. I had a great job, a great apartement in the middle of the city, a great family and a great boyfriend who would do anything for me.

 

It's not like I don't have enough money to buy food, have to walk 7 miles to drink a glass of water or being constantly raped by my boyfriend. Those are real problems.

_So what could possibly be missing?_

 

I kept thinking about that the whole day, letting it really get to me. All throughout the first 3 hours of work. Then all the way through lunch. And the rain clouds in my mind kept growing and growing. It was almost a thunderstorm inside my head when I later left my desk at work. I didn't care to say goodbye to everyone when I left, I could always make up an excuse tomorrow why I had been so rude. I just kept going and going with my head down, staring into the ground until I hit something or someone.  _  
_

 _"Oh! Sorry."_ I heard someone apologize. But I didn't care. I was in such deep thought, so I managed to fake a smile up to the apologizer without thinking about it. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back home, there was no change to the thought. It just kept going. 

After minutes of complete silence at the dinner table my boyfriend asked _"What's wrong?"_ and gently put his hand on my hand since I wasn't eating. 

 _"I don't know."_ I answered him with a quiet sigh. _"I feel like something is missing."_ I continued and met his bright blue eyes for a second.

_"How do you mean?"_

_"I.. uhm.. I don't know... what's.. missing.."_ I said zoning out, trying to really understand what was wrong. 

He didn't bother to ask me again. He probably saw I was thinking and wanted to be by myself for a moment, so he started to wash the dishes. 

_How can a person be so lost? Why Can't I just be glad for the beautiful, wonderful things I've got?_

_I'm only 23 and I'm already having anxiety that I don't do enough. I just started living my life for real. But oh no, I had to be this dramatic ass bitch who complains about how wonderful everything is._

_Perfect._


	2. Chapter 2

The following day started like any other. The sun was shining once again and I was walking down the road to get to work.

As usual. 

I had decided to forget about my life crisis. For a bit. I had nothing to be sad or sorry for. Life goes on as they say. If the universe thinks I need something more in my life, it will come to me. I'm not going to look for it. 

 

When I walked into the office that morning I had to explain myself for my bad behaviour the day before. Just like I thought. They were overreacting big time though. I just shook it off as soon as they stopped. 

There was only one person who didn't question my behaviour, Tom just looked up at me from his desk and smiled. I smiled in return, it was nice to see that at least someone understood that people have bad days. And lets be honest here, his smile is hard not to return. It's pure kindness in that man.

 

After hours of working, I really needed a cup of tea, coffee, something to boost me up. So I got up and made my way to the tiny kitchen we have in the far back of the office. When I got there I saw that Tom was also there. 

 _"Oh hello!"_ He said with a big smile. That smile.

 _"Hello."_ I answered and smiled back.

 _"Is there something wrong?"_ He asked as I began to prepare the kettle. _"You look kind of.. low. If you don't mind me saying?"_

I was _not_ prepared for that comment. Especially not from him, we barely talk to eachother. _"No. Um. I'm fine."_

 _"You can talk to me if you want to."_ He offered and leaned back on the kitchen-sink with a serious look on his face.

 _"It's not that big of a deal. And I don't even know you that well."_   I stated and looked him in the eye.

_"Well, I can see you have something on your mind, I'm here and I'm a great listener."_

I took a deep breath, and felt my cheeks blush. _"Um.. Yesterday.."_ I began and continued making tea. _"I had um..  a crisis of some sort."_ I glanced over to Tom again to see how he reacted, but he kept the serious face. _"I felt like something was missing. Or I still do."_

 _"Do you have any idea what it might be?"_ He asked and pulled his hand through his hair.

_"No. That's the thing. I have a great life and I have no idea how I can make it any better. I mean I have a great life, job, boyfriend, family. Everything every girl wants. But.."_

_"There's something missing."_ He finished.

_"Yeah.."_

_"Well.. Everyone thinks like that. I do too sometimes."_ He said after a few seconds of silence. 

_"You do?"_

_"Yeah. It has it's ups and downs, like everything else."_

_"Oh good. I thought I was some greedy.. whore. Who just wants more and more and more."_

_"No no no."_ He said and put his hand on my shoulder.  _"Just try doing something unexpected. Like.. dancing in the office kitchen."_ He continued and walked over to the radio on the table.

_"No. We're not gonna.."_

_He walked back to where I was standing and took my hand. "Oh yes we are."_ He said and started dancing, making me follow his moves. 

He showed me several techniques and different kinds of dancing and I actually learned a whole lot. It was hard but with the right teacher, anyone can learn anything.

That's an afternoon I'm not gonna forget. 


	3. Chapter 3

The weeks went on, everything the same. Waking up, eating breakfast, kissing my boyfriend bye-bye, arriving at work, meaningless small talk, leaving work, coming home, eating dinner, going to bed.. and repeat. There were moments here and there to light up my day though. Since the afternoon with Tom, when we talked and ended up dancing in the kitchen, he made sure we didn't talk about things no one cares about anyway. He's always trying to make the time spent mean something or at least be weird enough to remember. Which I am so thankful for. Otherwise, my life would just be the same day over and over again. 

 _"I'm telling you. You have to go see this play."_ Tom said with his hands on his head. _"I can't believe you've never seen a Shakespeare play."_

 _"Yeah I probably should."_ I said scratching my neck. _"I've wanted to go to the theater for ages, but I never get the time."_

 _"How about I take you there?"_ He then asked with a smile and raised his eyebrows. 

"Yeah! That sounds good." I answered and gave him a  big smile.

 _"Ok great! Umm.." It's tonight so I'll buy tickets and we'll meet an hour before it starts. Or is that too early? I like to be on time."_ He said and giggled a bit. 

 _"No that's great!"_ I said and felt my face get all warm and red.

 _"Great!"_ He smiled even brighter. _"Say 6-ish?"_

_"Great!"_

_"Great!"_ He giggled. _"See you there then."_ He added and put his hand on my shoulder, just for a few seconds. Then he turned around and walked towards the door. Right before he got out of sight he turned towards me again and gave me that smile again. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home I took a shower and put on a more classy and fancier dress. It's Shakespeare for gods sake, or that was what I was telling myself. It's definately _not_ for Tom. 

I was just about to choose a pair of shoes when I felt watched. I turned around and saw my boyfriend in the door to our bedroom, watching me. _"Why are you all dressed up?"_

Oh dear god. I had totally forgotten about him. _"Well.."_ I began, trying to decide if I should tell him the truth or not. _"I'm going out with some girlfriends tonight."_ I said and looked away. He doesn't need to know, he'd only get jelaous. 

 _"Oh."_ He said and I could see his face turn a little less excited. _"And what about our romantic dinner? We always have a romantic dinner on Fridays."_

 _"I know I'm sorry."_ I said and walked over to him. I hadn't been thinking about him at all today, the plans we had and I felt terrible about it. _"I promise I won't be gone too long and we can just have a romantic night later ok?"_ I continued and put my hands around his body.

He responded by doing the same and kissed me on the head. _"Alright. But can you please, in the future, try to say something before you're about to go?"_   _  
_

 _"Of course honey."_ I answered and gave him a light kiss on the lips. 

After the hug I put on my shoes and looked myself in the mirror a few too many times. I wanted to look good.

But it was _not_ for Tom.


	4. Chapter 4

As I walked out the front door I felt my heart beat a little faster then usual. It wasn't until now I realized what I was doing. I had lied right in my boyfriends face, I had told him I was going out with some lady friends when really I was going to the theater with Tom from the office. And had dressed up for him.

_But it's not like I'm going on a date or anything. We're just two people going to the theater because I'm not that cultured. That's it. He's going to teach me some culture._

Even though, my heart was beating faster, my hands were sweating and I was shaking mildly. It somehow felt wrong, but at the same time felt extremely good.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My parents don't have any interest in art. Art doesn't pay bills they used to say, and made sure I'd never choose that path.

They were always telling me how to live my life and since I am their daughter I obeyed to make sure my parents would love me. Secretly, I've always wanted and dreamt of doing something more in life. Something where I can express my emotions. 

And now, I'm going to experience something new for me and it feels amazing. 

The pavement I was walking on was wet, it had rained earlier that day and it was about to dry up, so my footsteps created a loud clicking sound. The sun was about to set and it painted the clouds beautifully with yellow, orange and pink. It was a lovely evening.

Then I saw a familiar face by the bottom of the stair of the theater. Tom looked elegant. He was wearing a navy blue suit, with a white shirt and a black tie. His ginger hair was curly as usual and he was holding an umbrella. He was really handsome.

He stood more upright when he saw me coming and gave me that adorable smile. _"Hello."_ He said and gave me a hug. _"Wow you look.."_ He then continued and looked at me from my toes to my head _"..beautiful."_

It was a long time ago someone called me beautiful and I felt like it mattered, so it was obvious my cheeks got a little red. _"Thank you."_ I said and smiled. _"You look great too."_ I added and I swear I saw some redness in his cheeks too. 

 _"It's about an hour until the show starts. Do you want to go get a drink? Or something to eat maybe? It's a pretty long play and we don't want you to fall asleep do we."_ He asked, still smiling.

_"Yeah sure!"_

_"Great! I know a nice place not far from here. Great food, great fittings, great wine. It's really cozy."_

_"Sounds good!"_ I answered and to my surprise Tom was holding up his arm for me to take it. Like a real gentleman. I've never met a guy who's done this before. 

_He really is something, isn't he?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know but I need some time to decide.. some... stuff. 
> 
> I hope you like it so far uhm.. Leave a comment if you think something is bad or anything. 
> 
> Have an amazing day/night xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to continue but I've been busy and did not know how to continue so.. yeah. But now I know and I think it's pretty good.. we'll see ehehehe

On a secluded street, but not far from where everyone was, Tom and I walked in to a small restaurant. It didn't look all that fancy and it was not a lot of people there. Just an old couple who looked so in love, staring deeply into eachothers eyes. A man in his mid thirties sitting by himself reading a book and a group of friends laughing. I definately got a great first impression on this restaurant.

 _"Hello!"_ A deep and warm voice said and I turned my head around to where it was coming and I saw a short, chubby old man with little to no hair on his head but with hugedark eyebrows and a big grey beard. It wasn't long, it just was very big, like he'd disappear in it. He bounced over to us, arms wide open. _"Hello Tom!"_ He then continued hugging Tom around the chest, since he couldn't reach higher. _"Who's your ladyfriend?"_

 _"Hello Bernard, this is Astrid. We're going to the theater to see a play in an hour."_ Tom answered with a big smile and put his arm around my shoulders. 

 _"Mm. And romantic dinner before that. I see, I see. I have a perfect table right over here."_ Bernard said and bounced towards a table in the back of the restaurant where he probably thought was most romantic.

Tom didn't mention anything about the incorrect accusation and before I had even began to form my words Bernard had already disappeared in to the kitchen.

I took off my jacket and put it on my chair, as I did, Tom walked over to me and pulled out my chair for me.

 _"Thank you!"_ I said and sat down. _"How come you're such a gentleman?"_ I asked when he was sitting down as well.

 _"Well.."_ He began and locked his eyes on mine. _"My mother and father raised me that way. They value elegance and respect a lot. But I also like being a gentleman."_ He said and smiled to me. "I feel good when I make people smile. If it's only for a moment."

 _"You make me smile."_ I said trying to keep myself together.

 _"What do you want to order?"_ Tom then asked and picked up the menu.

 _"You should know. If you know Bernard I mean."_ I answered but glanced through the menu anyways.

 _"I guess you're right."_ He chuckled. _"Lets see.. The salmon is good, the shrimps are delicious.."_

 _"Oh shrimps sound good!!"_ I exclaimed to which Tom quickly looked up. _"Sorry.."_ I chuckled. _"I love shrimps."_

 _"Well then."_ He chuckled once again. _"That's decided."_

I felt my cheeks blush a bit. Why would I even do that? I probably looked like an idiot.

A few minutes later, Bernard took our order and lit a candle on the table. And I could see in the corner of my eye whenever I wasn't looking at Tom that he was looking at me. And I blushed even more.

It was a lovely dinner, great food, great wine and amazing company. The more I got to know this lovely person the more I liked him.

I felt really safe being around him, even though he made me nervous with his beautiful blue eyes. That look melts you. _Oh my god! I've already got a boyfriend! I can't think like this! But those eyes, that hair.. and he smells amazing. Dear god._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

After the dinner, we hurried back to the theater. We actually ran and just made it to our seats when the curtain went up. I don't think I've ever laughed that much while running.

We sat there for a good.. I don't know. I got so into it I didn't even feel time passing. But I do remember one thing though. Tom moving closer and closer the whole time.

 _"That was amazing! Thank you Tom."_ I said when we got outside again. 

 _"My pleasure darling."_ He answered and kissed me on the cheek. And he lingered. Those few seconds he did that felt like hours.. years. And without my permission I closed my eyes. I couldn't help myself.

When he moved away I still held my eyes closed. But opened them as soon as my mind realized he had left my skin, which was a few seconds late.

He was standing there smiling at me, and could I see a hint of desire in there too? No. It's just my imagination.

 _"I'd hate this night to end now."_ Tom said after clearing his throat. _"If you want.. we could go back to my place and drink a cup of tea.. or something."_

Before I could control my emotions I blurted out a yes that'd be lovely. I don't function well when I've drank wine. Tom seamed happy though. He took my hand and began to walk, with a big smile on his face.

_I'm probably going to regret this in the morning._


	6. Chapter 6

Tom's appartement was lovely. It wasn't big, but it wasn't small either. It was perfect, a kitchen, one bedroom, a small living room and a toilet ofcourse. It was lit with with small cozy lights and was decorated very simple. White walls around the whole appartement and the furniture was brown and green, and reminded me of a forest. Beautiful.

 _"May I take your coat?"_ Tom asked.

 _"Oh thank you."_ I answered and let him take my coat and I felt his fingers brush against my bare skin, which made me shiver.

_"Make yourself comfortable while I get some.. what do you want to drink?"_

_"I can take a glass of wine if you have some home."_ I answered him and watched him smile in agreement and then returning to the kitchen.

While he was gone I wandered around and looked around to see what kind of things he had home. It didn't take long before he was back with two glasses of white wine for us.

 _"You've got a lot of interesting stuff here Tom."_ I said while he was giving me one of the glasses. _"Thank you. Do you play guitar?"_

 _"Yes I do."_ He said and took a sip on his wine. _"But just for fun really. It always helps me relax, get my mind off things."_

I turned around and saw a lot of other amazing things, like a polaroid camera, hundreds of books and movies, tons of paper and pens. A lot of things I've always wanted to do but never have.

 _"I envy you so much._ " I said still looking around the living room. _"You do what you really want to do. Not what everyone expects you to."_ I continued and turned to face him. _"How do you do it?"_

He looked at me with big understanding eyes. _"I just do things."_ He said and took another sip on his wine, still looking into my eyes. _"If I want to dance, I dance. If I want to go out on a long walk, I do that. If I feel like rather spending my time on something I enjoy then something I probably should be doing, I do that."_

 _"But don't you care what people will think of you?"_ I asked and put down my glass on the table in the middle of the room.

_"Not anymore, no."_

_"That really is one of my biggest problems."_ I continued. _"I always care way too much about what people will think of me. I want to.. do something spontanous, unexpected. Something I want to do, not something I have to do."_

 _"What do you want to do?"_ Tom asked after a few seconds of silence, watching me carefully.

I thought a good long while about what I wanted to do. There's always so much I want to do, usually I would come up with a 20 mile list of things I want to do or try. But right now, my mind could not let go of one single thought. And it was driving me insane. 

Tom broke his gaze and put down his glass next to mine. And as I watched him do that, everything sort of became real to me. The situation I was in, both here with Tom and my boyfriend waiting for me to come home. Reality slapped me in the face and I felt like the worst human being who ever existed.

But the more I thought about it, the more I told myself he wouldn't find out. I just wanted to try it. It doesn't mean it has to _mean_  anything.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, but it didn't work much. My knees went weak, my cheeks turned warm and red and the rest of my body was almost shaking. I took a step towards Tom, I was only an inch away from him now. Since Tom was pretty tall, he had to look down to keep eye contact with me. He took my hand and gently squeezed my fingers. And I could feel the heat and tension building. 

But before I could finish what I had started, Tom softly placed his warm lips on mine, closed his eyes and moved his other hand up to my hair and started tangeling his fingers in it. 

It was a tender and warm kiss, it felt genuine and.. amazing. My heart was racing, I don't think I've ever had a weaker body.

Tom pulled away and opened his eyes, his hand moved from my hair down my arm to my other hand.

 _"Well.."_ I began and heard my voice cracking. _"That was.. Unexpected."_

 _"You started it."_ Tom answered smiling brighter then ever before, how that was even possible.

I felt alive and free, like I could do anything. But not for long. Suddenly I once again realized what I had done.

 _"Oh my god."_ I whispered. _"I shouldn't.. I shouldn't have done that."_ I said letting go of his hands and put them on my forehead. _"My.. My boyfriend i-is home waiting for me. And I'm here kissing you."_

"If you don't want to do this, you don't have to." Tom answered and took a small step back. "If you want me to stop, I will." He continued giving me a reassuring smile, but I could see in his eyes I had hurt him. 

 _"That's the thing Tom. I don't want you to stop, I just.. feel guilty about kissing you."_ I managed to say.

_"It's all up to you darling. I can't decide how you feel."_

My head was literally exploding. Why did he have to be so unbelievably lovely?

He was waiting patiently for a response.

I went to take a sip of my wine and decided right then and there that I should stop being such a coward. This might be my one and only chance to try something new, and what was even more important. This could be my one and only chance with Tom.

So when I was done with the wine, I almost jumped into his warm arms and kissed him once again. Tom put his arms around my waist and moved us to the nearest wall and we crashed onto it with my back against it.

Tom asked permission to enter my mouth and I gladly accepted it. He was a pretty dominant kisser, he took control of the situation and I was more then happy to let him.

 _I'm going to hell._  


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning I woke up with a headache as grand as the sun. I've never really drunk alcohol before, just at parties and weddings but only in small doses, so this was a new strange sensation for me. 

I sat up in the bed, not recognising my bedroom. Then it hit me.  _Oh my god._ I thought looking around the room for Tom, but he wasn't there. So I stood up to find my clothes which were spread out on the floor. I quickly put them on and went out of the room to find Tom. I heard a faint singing and whistling from the kitchen which was a clue to where I would find him.

He was standing by the stove, making eggs for breakfast. It smelled delicious. I didn't want to disturb him before I had decided what I was going to say to him about last night. But before I had even began to figure out the right thing to say, he stopped singing and turned around to face me.

 _"Goodmorning!"_ He said smiling brighter then ever before.

I knew that what I had.. we.. had done last night was very wrong, but when he looked at me like that.. he does things to me that I can't explain.

 _"Goodmorning."_ I answered quietly, smiling lightly towards him. 

 _"How do you want your eggs darling?"_ He asked and returned to the stove. 

 _"I uh.."_ I had no idea what I wanted to do now. I wanted to run home to my boyfriend and stay there for eternity, but at the same time I wanted to stay here and have breakfast with Tom and just enjoy his bare precense. 

 _"Listen.. Tom. I uh.. I very much enjoyed last night.."_ I said as he turned around to look at me with those big blue wonderful eyes again, still smiling. Even tough I would've loved to stay there with him, I couldn't help but feel guilty about what we did.

He looked at me with a puzzled face and crossed his arms but didn't say anything, he was waiting for me to continue my speech. 

 _"It was great and everything but I was drunk and I can't let it happen again."_ I stated and crossed my arms as well.

Tom let out a sigh and moved his handscarefully to the back of his neck.

 _"Well.."_ He began, switching his gaze to me and away a few times as he continued. _"If that is what you want. I'm not going to stop you."_

I felt incredibly bad in this situation, He looked so sad and disappointed and I hated to be the preson who made him look like this.

 _"Thank you."_ I answered and seeked his eyes with mine, trying to say how sorry I was with just a look. But I'm not sure he noticed. 

An awkward silence later he looked me deep in the eye again. _"So.. I suppose you don't want breakfast then."_

_"No. I better not."_

He switched position and put one of his hands to cover his mouth halfway. _"I hope this isn't the last time I'll see you."_

 _"Well we work together so I don't think that will be a problem."_ I answered him and let out a small forced chuckle, trying to light up the tension. But it didn't work very well.

_"I suppose."_

_"So I guess I'll see you at work on monday."_

_"Yeah."_

I left the kitchen to go put on my shoes. Tom followed me to the hallway and his gaze didn't leave me once.

 _"Goodbye then."_ I said turning to face him after opening the door.

 _"Goodbye."_ He said and took a step closer to the door. _"You take care now darling."_ He added and kissed my hand tenderly.

"You too." I answered and stayed with my hand in his for a second longer then I should have. Then I quickly pulled myself together and hurried down the stairs, not daring to look back. I heard the door shut when I was out of sight and I felt my heart drop to the ground. I believe this is the worst day of my life. 

The walk back home felt like it would never end. My thoughts rushed back and forth from how Tom was now sitting alone in his kitchen eating breakfast and how bad I felt about that, to what my boyfriend is going to say about the fact that I didn't come home last night. 

I just wanted to crawl down in a hole in the ground and die. 

Not because of the massive yelling my boyfriend is going to do when I get home, but the fact that I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do or what was best for me. My present boyfriend is stable and loves me a lot. But Tom is exciting and spontanous, and I think he likes me. I don't dare to say _love_. I don't think he loves me.. but maybe he could. If I only gave hime the chance to. 

_Oh dear me._


	8. Chapter 8

I trembled with my keys when I was trying to open the door to my home. I knew my boyfriend was going to be really angry with me for what happened and I'm not a person who can handle being yelled at, so I was really nervous.

When I finally got the door open and went inside, I thought he was going to come running and yelling at me before I had even had the chance to say hi. But no, no sight of him. Not a sound came from the house.

I walked around the house trying to find him and at last I saw him sitting in his favorite chair in the livingroom reading a book. 

 _"Hi honey."_ I said ever so gently and walked towards him. But he didn't answer me. I moved to stand behind him and bent down to kiss him on the head and put my arms around his neck, gently hugging him.

 _"Do you know what time it is?"_ He asked quietly, not moving his eyes from the book. 

_"It's uh.. half past eleven."_

_"In the..?"_

_"In the morning."_ I answered uneasy as to what would come next.

 _"Yeah."_ He said putting down his book on the table beside him, his voice cold as ice. _"Half past eleven in the morning. You said you would be home yesterday. Remember? We were going to have our romantic evening when you got home."_

_"I know I.."_

_"You know how long I sat up waiting for you to get home?"_

_"No but I.."_

_"Do you know how many times I called you to make sure you were safe?"_

_"No but.."_

_"And do you KNOW, that I called your friend Sarah when you didn't answer your phone?"_

_"Uh.."_ I would never imagine that he would call her. I totally blacked out and expected the worst.

 _"Do you know whAT SHE SAID?"_ He asked and got angrier and angrier after each question. I was unable to answer him, I just watched him get up from his chair and I waited. _"She told me that there was never any plan on going out. And that she hasn't heard from you in weeks. None of them have."_

I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst argument we've ever had.

"Where were you?" He asked softly and took a step closer to me. But I didn't answer, I had no idea what I would say. And I knew that if I said I had spent the night with another man he would go bananas, so I decided not to.

"Where were you?" He asked again raising his voice and took another step closer to me. He was actually starting to scare me a little which made me even more unwilling to answer him. 

"WHERE WERE YOU!?" He screamed in my face. Even if I had wanted to answer him and tell him the truth at this point, I was physically unable to. I was stiff like a stick. I had never seen him this angry before, and least of all at me.

When I didn't answer him this either, his rage had build up inside him and was now boiling. He couldn't control himself anymore, so he punched me right in the face with all his might and left me unconscious on the floor.

I laid there for several hours and when I woke up I noticed a big swollen black eye. I went into the kitchen to put some ice on it and then went straight to bed. I didn't dare to do anything else.

I heard my boyfriend move around in the house, doing God knows what, and felt my heart stop and body tense up whenever there was a loud noise or when I heard him moving closer to the bedroom.

Minutes turned into hours and I was completely awake, prepared for a new swing at me. And all of a sudden, I heard the bedroom door swing open. I gripped tighter on my pillow and closed my eyes to look like I was asleep. He took slow steps towards the bed and I could feel his eyes staring at me the whole time and it tickled my body, making me feel sick. But most of all scared. I could never be sure anymore of how he would react and what he would do in any situation.

He finally changed into his pyjamas and went to bed. By not knowing how long it would take for him to fall asleep, I didn't move. For hours it seemed. And when I heard him snoring loudly beside me, I still didn't dare to move and least of all sleep. I had no idea what would happen and I wanted to be awake to witness it.

After two sleepless nights and another day of no talking and sheer terror, I went out of bed and as quickly as I could got dressed and got the things I needed for work. My now terrifying boyfriend sat quietly in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and reading the morning paper.

I hurried to the front door and put on my shoes and coat. When that was done I decided, after a second of thought about wether I should or shouldn't say goodbye. So I did say goodbye very carefully and tried to sound as loving as possible, but got no response. And then I almost ran out of the house.

I had never been so glad to leave anything ever before this.     

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if this direction is good or bad (the violence shit).. I just got in such a flow while writing and I got carried away hehe umm.. so please let me know if it's good or bad and I'll change it.. possibly.. well.. Just tell me what you think.  
> Have a lovely night/day!
> 
> xx

When I arrived at work I felt all of the co workers eyes staring at me. Following my every move and whispering to eachother. I went straight to the bathroom and looked in the mirror to see what was wrong. I hadn't had the time or nerve to stay and look in the mirror before I left my house. 

 _Oh my god._ I thought as I saw my black eye. It looked even worse then it had done two days ago. Or maybe it was because I had forgotten about it until now. It looked terrible and so did I. My hair was a mess, my clothes wasn't put on very well with some buttons unbuttoned and so on. I looked like a troll. And don't forget that I hadn't dared to take a shower yet either. 

But I honestly couldn't care less. I was out of the house and free of him for a couple of hours which made me feel so much better. But I rebuttoned the shirt and combed my dirty hair with my fingers anyways before I went out of the bathroom.

As I watched my reflection in the mirror when I was halfway done combing my hair, I noticed a lonely tear rolling down my cheek and I couldn't hold myself together any longer. I broke down on the bathroom floor crying, I sat with one hand on the floor for support and the other one covered my mouth to let out as little sound as possible. 

I sat there for a good 15 minutes, just letting all the fear and hurt I've felt and experienced these last few days out. Luckily, my co workers let me be alone and didn't barge in on me sobbing on the floor.

I pulled myself together and slowly and shakily managed to get to my feet once again. I wiped off the tears and cleared my throat. My shirt was soaking wet from all the crying and was sticky on my chest.

I took a few more minutes to settle down and just breathe before I went outside to face work and was met by a group of female co workers.

 _"Are you alright?"_ One of them asked and put her hand on my shoulder. I didn't bother to answer her. I figured she saw that I was anything but alright, so I kept walking until another one blocked my way. " _Is there anything we can do?"_

 _"No."_ I answered shortly and went past the group of women, leaving them standing there with their eyes fixed on me. I felt uneasy and very small so I quickened my pace and nearly ran into my office. I shut the door and sat down by my deskstaring at the door.

It didn't take long before someone knocked on the door though. I yelled that I was alright and that I didn't want any company.

 _"Astrid."_ A familiar voice said from the other side of the door. _"It's Tom."_

I panicked. He could not see me like this. He would only think it's his fault.

 _"Uh.. Not now Tom. I'm busy. Real busy."_ I answered and put my hand on my cheek, like it would prevent me from crying again. 

 _"I really want to talk to you Astrid. About what happened this last Friday."_ He continued and I could hear his body leaning against the door. 

I wanted him to come in and talk, but I knew that if he did I wouldn't be able to let him go and then my boyfriend would be even madder and omg this situation is unbearable. I closed my eyes hard and told him to come in. Like you do when you watch something disgousting or scary on tv, you put your hands in front of your eyes but you sneak peak between the fingers. I was doing something very similar right now. 

I opened my eyes to see Tom standing by the door just closing it again. He turned around and saw my face. _"Jesus!"_ He exclaimed and walked over to me. _"Your eye.. What happened?"_  He asked with a sorrowful voice and he looked at me with hurt in his deep kind eyes. 

 _"Oh.. eh.. this? This is_ _nothing."_ I scoffed without looking him in the eyes. He just looked at me with the same expression, but now more like he was about to cry. 

 _"Well.. Actually."_ I began looking up and down from his face to the desk, and I could feel my eyes starting to water up again, which I did everything not to show. _"When I uh.. When I went home this Saturday after being uh.. at your place."_ I continued slowly, otherwise I would have started crying my eyes out right then and there. _"My boyfriend asked me where I had been that night.. Things turned ugly and eh.."_

 _"What?"_ Tom asked and looked more and more bothered by my story.

_"He punched me. As you can see. He gave me a black eye and I'm not sure what will happen next."_

_"Oh dear lord."_ Tom said and looked like he had seen a puppy got run over by a truck. _"That's horrible!"_ He then changed his expression from sadness and anger to sadness and guilt.

 _"This happened because of me?"_ He then asked and looked up at me and I could feel his whole aura was filled with guilt. 

 _"Nonono.. No Tom."_ I quickly reassured him. _"No, it's my fault. It was my desicion to stay that night. I could have made a different choice."_

 _"But it's still me. I was the one flirting with you."_  He said and was now near tears. _"Oh my god I feel horrible now."_

I watched as the wonderfully happy man turned into this self hating small boy and I felt awful because it was all my fault.

 _"I can't believe someone would do this to you."_ He continued. _"You deserve so much better then that. I should go and talk to him."_ He said and stood up, making way for the door. 

 _"No that's not a good idea!"_ I half yelled and quickly got up and got hold of his hand to stop him. _"It would only make things worse."_

 _"Well if you won't let me talk some sense into this man, you have to leave him. You can't be around a man who hits you Astrid."_ Tom answered and swinged around to face me. 

 _"I know but I don't know how to do it.. I'm afraid he will do us harm, and I'm especially afraid he will do you harm."_ I replied with tears hanging on the edge of my eyes. 

Tom looked surprised to what I had said and moved a bit closer to me. _"Especially me?"_ He asked and looked me in the eyes. 

 _"Yes."_ I said and didn't bother to be delicate and subtle anymore. _"I'm not sure how I feel since I'm so vulnerable right now, but I do know that I would hate myself for ever if anything bad happened to you.. And if that bad thing was because of me.. That would be even worse. I don't know, but if that isn't some sort of love.. Then what is?"_ I stated and waited for a response. Tom stood there staring at me and began to smile again when I was done talking, which made me smile lightly too. 

 _"I don't know either."_ Tom said and put his free hand on my cheek and gently rubbed it with his thumb. _"I will do anything I can to help you leave this monster. I promise you."_ He said and kissed my forehead in a very caring way. 

 _It's definately love._ I thought to myself as we stood so close to eachother with my head resting on his chest and his head resting on mine.

_It's definately love._


	10. Chapter 10

After the situation in the office Tom and I decided to leave work and take a walk in the park since it was such a lovely day. We talked about all sort of things, everything but my _boyfriend_ it seemed. Even though I was laughing and smiling almost the whole time, I had a feeling that my _boyfriend_  was right behind us, watching us. So I was very nervous and kept turning my head to see if he was around. Which he luckily never was.

About an hour later of walking and talking we went to a café nearby because both of our stomachs were aching with hunger. I hadn't eaten at all today, I was way too stressed to sit quietly and eat. But now that I had friendly company, I felt like I could do it. 

 _"This is nice."_ I said to Tom when we got our sandwiches and tea. 

 _"Yeah it looks delicious."_ Tom answered and smiled at his plate and then at me. 

I laughed at his response to which Tom continued to smile but looked puzzled.

 _"No I meant us. This."_ I said and gestured what I meant to be more clear.

 _"Ah."_ He answered smiling even more. _"Yes."_ He said calmly. _"Yes it is."_

At this point I had almost completely forgotten about my  _boyfriend_ and my black eye, all I saw was Tom. But my nervous turning of the head continued, but slightly fewer times then before. And I noticed that Tom had noticed my edgy behaviour.

We decided to order another cup of tea after lunch and when Tom got back with our drinks and sat down again he asked what I was going to do.

 _"I have no idea."_ I answered him and sipped on my tea which was so hot I was surprised it wasn't still boiling. 

 _"You could just.. Not go back."_ Tom suggested and blew on his tea. 

 _"Yeah.. I suppose I could."_ I answered feeling very stupid for not thinking about that. I had actually decided to go back to my house after this and talk to my  _boyfriend_ about what had happened, because I didn't think there was anything else I could do. The thought about not going back had not crossed my mind even once. 

 _"And um.. you could stay with me."_ He continued and looked me deep in the eyes. _"Until you find a new place to stay.."_ He quickly added. _"If you want to."_

I met his beautiful eyes with mine and smiled. _"I'd like that."_

Tom put his hand on mine which was on the table and smiled. _"Great! Um.. I uh.. That's great."_ He giggled which made him look like a teenager who's on his first date.

Then we sat quietly for a long time, not saying a word to one another. Whenever he didn't look at me I looked at him and studied his face and could not see anything wrong with it. He was so beautiful I thougt my eyes were going to melt. 

I think it's amazing though that even though we had already been as intimate as we possible could, I still felt nervous in his precense. It still feels like a first date. 

Tom turned his head to face me with a gentle but excited look on his face. _"I want to take you somewhere."_ He said and lifted my hand with his and entwined our fingers. 

_"Oh ok. Where?"_

_"You'll see."_ He said mischieviously and got aout of his seat, still holding my hand. I did the same with a huge smile on my face which matched his and followed him out the door. 


End file.
